Is love destined or is it a choice?
In my life, if there ever has been anything even resembling "divine guidance" *
...stumbling over this "writer's block" right at that exact moment last night that I did, surely feels like that.
Last night I cried for hours...longer and harder than ever before, in the most overwhelming heartbreak and pain, ever.
Last night I got so lost in my anger, that for the first time in my life I involuntarily busted something in a fit of uncontrollable rage.
The post-outburst calming down, accompanied by the chance visit to LJ after weeks of absence only to see the featured "writer's block", provided me the clarity of remembering my musings on the subject, and my relationship (which, by the looks of it now, is unsalvageable anyway ;____; -____-).
Feelings as we know, can be controlled only that much (except if going kill-switch on them like I used to), and love by far is no exception...you don't have much say in who your heart chooses (of course precautions can be taken, but once you allow the seed to be planted, the love-weed is a nasty, stubborn little bugger)...but there IS another aspect to love, as opposed to the feeling itself (call it if you will, ''Eros vs. Agape", from which the latter was described by Thomas Jay Oord as ''An intentional response to promote well-being when responding to that which has generated ill-being''); you can CHOOSE who you want to stick with, who you believe is worth fighting for.
Here is a person who I know I passionately want to be with (the love is mutual still, I believe)...
Who my heart yearns for with desire previously unknown to me...
Who has caused within me, unprecedented magnitudes of love and other overwhelming emotions, sensations...including of course immense sexual desire.
He is smart, sexy, sensitive, devoted and a cuddly, adorable oddball, whose weird OCDs and general peculiar oddities make me laugh and swoon at the same time. We share some oddities and the same frequency.
Not to mention that he is just so beautiful, with the most stunning, enchanting, gorgeous steely grey eyes with this intense, piercing stare that'll nail me to the wall xD especially in sunlight they'll literally
have this mesmerizing GLOW, like someone lit a torch in there or something :P one glance into them and you'll have me purring like V8 or CAT-D2 diesel engine.
So yes - and yes,
love is both voluntary and involuntary.
And I have made my choice: this is simply too good to just let go, I can't give in yet, I'm not ready to cease fighting.
I know there is anger...
That anger, I will fight with love.
*I prefer "coincidence", but in this particular situation I'd rather not, for a romantic notion ;P