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Life is pain
The triggering comment was:

"My parents spanked me as a child. As a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition known as "respect for others"."

Obviously a heated discussion emanated, some comments more mature than others. So I decided to chip in:

Pt 1:
How about showing the kid in practice what respect means with your own behaviour before ending up as bitter old farts complaining about the "lack of respect" modern youth has. Douches exist everywhere, regardless of sociological groups like age, religion, ethnicity etc.

If the kid is being hyper and thus behaving inappropriately in a situation, a pinch in the ear (or something comparable) to get their attention and then telling them to shape up, should suffice. If this doesn't work, then chances are that it is the result of you already paving the way for this behaviour.
In the case of an otherwise traumatized kid, or a child with autism: now that's a whole other cuppa' noodles.

Yes, these things are convoluted and some kids need a different style of disciplining than others, but it's hardly as straightforward as "spanking = respect". No matter how you define the verb.

- The Autism Spectrum kid who got whippings with her own toy for asking for consistency by questioning and asking for a reason behind things

Pt 2:
Suffering daily panic attacks from age 13 to 15 (when I ran away to live on my own) on my way home from school/work/holiday-trips in fear of the unknown atmospheric conditions awaiting me behind that door was no field trip.
I told my father I feared him and his response was the bullshit one some here have been saying: "Good! It means you respect me!"

Shut his face for a while when I mustered up the courage to tell him that fearful respect is what you have for forces of nature like, HURRICANES because they CAN'T BE RECKONED or REASONED with and wreak havoc in their path. "Is that the kind of person you wanna be? Beyond reason and rationality, destroying your environment?"

The levels of punishment I got lacked consistency with the severity of my disconduct, the only thing I learned was that the more pissed off and stressed he was, the swifter the ass whooping.

I didn't start gaining respect for him until in my 20's when he started maturing and owning up to his behaviour, even learning a brand new word: "sorry"!

I know people with my kind of past easily go "all or nothing" on the corporal punishment issue, i.e. "swift kick in the ass does the kid some good" OR "nonono I would NEVER lay a hand on my child", but as with so many things, a B/W look on this is not healthy. Kids are different, and sometimes a bit of pain will work the way it's supposed to. A loving physical reminder (if/when necessary) of "who's the boss" will not fuck a kid up, harassment and abuse will.

Nobody's perfect and sometimes one might lose their temper and strike a kid: a rare occurrence will not PTSD your kid up and as long as you have the humility to recognize your mistakes and apologize, that is what your offspring will be imprinted with. Don't fear mistakes, you're only human, what matters is that you try your best and mean well, corporal punishment or not.

This is why I was able to forgive my father despite the unspeakable reign of terror he put me through which rendered me severely scarred. I love him, respect him and we're now closer than ever as a result of mutual maturing after everything.
Is love destined or is it a choice?

In my life, if there ever has been anything even resembling "divine guidance" * ...stumbling over this "writer's block" right at that exact moment last night that I did, surely feels like that.

Last night I cried for hours...longer and harder than ever before, in the most overwhelming heartbreak and pain, ever.

Last night I got so lost in my anger, that for the first time in my life I involuntarily busted something in a fit of uncontrollable rage.

The post-outburst calming down, accompanied by the chance visit to LJ after weeks of absence only to see the featured "writer's block", provided me the clarity of remembering my musings on the subject, and my relationship (which, by the looks of it now, is unsalvageable anyway ;____; -____-).

Feelings as we know, can be controlled only that much (except if going kill-switch on them like I used to), and love by far is no exception...you don't have much say in who your heart chooses (of course precautions can be taken, but once you allow the seed to be planted, the love-weed is a nasty, stubborn little bugger)...but there IS another aspect to love, as opposed to the feeling itself (call it if you will, ''Eros vs. Agape", from which the latter was described by Thomas Jay Oord as ''An intentional response to promote well-being when responding to that which has generated ill-being''); you can CHOOSE who you want to stick with, who you believe is worth fighting for.

Here is a person who I know I passionately want to be with (the love is mutual still, I believe)...
Who my heart yearns for with desire previously unknown to me...
Who has caused within me, unprecedented magnitudes of love and other overwhelming emotions, sensations...including of course immense sexual desire.

He is smart, sexy, sensitive, devoted and a cuddly, adorable oddball, whose weird OCDs and general peculiar oddities make me laugh and swoon at the same time. We share some oddities and the same frequency.

Not to mention that he is just so beautiful, with the most stunning, enchanting, gorgeous steely grey eyes with this intense, piercing stare that'll nail me to the wall xD especially in sunlight they'll literally have this mesmerizing GLOW, like someone lit a torch in there or something :P one glance into them and you'll have me purring like V8 or CAT-D2 diesel engine.

So yes - and yes,
love is both voluntary and involuntary.

And I have made my choice: this is simply too good to just let go, I can't give in yet, I'm not ready to cease fighting.

I know there is anger...

That anger, I will fight with love.

*I prefer "coincidence", but in this particular situation I'd rather not, for a romantic notion ;P
7th-Sep-2011 10:57 am(no subject)
Desperate times require desperate measures

Why is it that when empowered by extreme emotions, the most extreme actions seem to be the most sensible.

Even when a sensible person would tell you you are out of your fucking mind and would try to stop you.

I'm pretty cooked and done right now.

I've had a good life.

Enough with the good. And definitely enough with the bad.

I'm pretty ready.

I'm pretty fucking tired and have pretty low tolerance, too, right about fucking now.

I'm not gonna do anything hasty.

But I'm definitely playing with the thought.

If I get the courage, or energy, I'm sorry for all the mess.
3rd-Jun-2011 04:21 am(no subject)

Oceans of hurt...gone from my mind.

But I'm not sure of what I'd want to erase (except one asshole and my "past" with him - which he forced to start with) - there's so much in my past that has also shaped me in positive ways into who and what I am now.

19th-May-2011 11:14 am(no subject)
Some of you may or may not remember my sister's mishap when she fell from a balcony, pretty exactly a year ago.

Well. She's in a hospital again - psych ward this time. She called me on Saturday, turns out Friday, dad had went just a bit psycho on her again, yelling at her and her friend, shouting out abusive shit and harassing her to the point of panic attack (she had called the cops twice), in which she slit her wrists pretty badly. She passed out from blood loss, her friend called an ambulance and she was rushed in to be stitched up. She ended up with 15 stitches and a psych ward referral.

But I know who really should be at that psych ward. Locked up in a room and have the goddamn key thrown away. Fucking psycho. My patience is running really low. I haven't spoken to him since February because he went psycho on me - once again! - then and I just had it with his abuse. I see no point in subjecting myself to that shit, nor do I want him to think that he can treat me how the hell he wants with no regard for consequences, so there you go. I got through and past the shite he subjected me to, but I won't tolerate this kind of behavior toward my sister. I really feel like killing the bastard right now, he's nothing but poison to his environment and spreads pain and anger wherever he breathes. This kind of toxic emotional waste should be banned in some EU directive.

I just hope she'll get that own apartment soon so that she won't need to spend any more time around that sorry asshole.

17th-May-2011 10:24 pm(no subject)
I'm tired of people who expect me to act remorseful without offering me any kind of apology themselves in the first place. If you're not sorry, I'm not sorry. Simple as that. But no. All they care about is for their bullshit to be hidden from the public eye. And I have no reason to grant them that. I'm not gonna be kind to bullies.
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